---------------

Malutka... Chiquitita...

Do you remember why I call you "Chiquitita"?

For the song I sent and dedicated you,

because the song is about "pains that go

and disappear, and you will dance again

and will be happy like flowers that arise.

Stars shine for you there in the heavens.

Once more I want to share your happiness, etc"

And I saw that in you, a sad angel

that had to smile again, to shine again...

You were a new person to know,

and I decided to make you smile

without caring if for that I have to

look a fool with jokes.

Now you became my Chiquitita,

and you became my everything.

I remember when we spoke in the

GXO parking the second time,

if I don't remember wrong,

you mentioned what I did with you

trying to make you do things, speak with people,

etc. And you said to me

"I like that".

You liked that I tried to speak and

"push" you to do things.

And now, what happened my Chiquitita?

I deserved your trust and I didn't have it.

Your heart is a valued emerald

to take care of,

not to damage and hurt.

What happened to you some years ago?

Your videos in Tiktok show

a small girl making videos and

you were happy, at least a little, and more

than today. Shy, serious,  but not so sad.

Your eyes show a big sadness

and you never said why, but there is something.

I can think many things and try to guess

but it is hard to guess.

A boyfriend you had and betrayed you or

mistreated/abused you in a hard way

and then you lost illusions?

Or someone abused you in any way some years ago

and you can't overcome it?

or any other trauma...

Something happened to you

and it made you sad and depressed.

And it is normal, but you can share it,

I wish always to know everything about you,

everything about my favorite girl,

and it is also the bad things.

And, others don't have to pay for that.

You hurt me in my try to "push you"

to do things and let me"guide" you

to do new things, but I don't blame you,

I just tried to understand,

but I needed to know things.

And about your schizophrenia, also.

My brother developed

a schizophrenia and it was

due to a strong and emotional "hit",

my other brother had died.

So, there is always something...

I never had the intention to betray you,

and with the little things that I knew from you

I never did it. You know it.

We hurt, I hurt with words I didn't feel,

but your privacy and your life were

always with me and I never shared

that with anybody.

I saw you in the church 1 week ago

praying and then you left walking,

and when I saw you. There were 3 visitors

more inside and I entered, you were there

but you were kneeled and concentrated,

with your new glasses,

and you didn't see that I was

2 meters behind you for 10 seconds.

I died for speaking with you,

I wished it but I didn't do it and

I left and waited outside you to go.

It was hard to do it, but I did it to respect your space.

Then I returned and I saw your letter.

You didn't take the sheet I had written,

but you took the small envelope with the

short message po polsku.

I hope you read it.

I have more things written for you

and now I write here like a diary for you.

I imagine you read me here

and it is nice.

But your silence hurts so much,

you can't imagine how, my Chiquitita.

Your birthday is near, and I will

buy a cake for me and celebrate it in silence

because you are not here

and maybe you will not be,

but I would love it.

There is a small hope that

you come to meet me that day

but maybe it will not happen,

but it would be so wonderful. Remember it.

I even bought candles with the number 23

and if I don't see you

I will do something alone.

I love you and I would never do anything

bad to my Chiquitita.

Never forget that.

Te quiero